I Just Fixed The Economy

I keep hearing economic experts say that the value of gold is on the rise. Perhaps I am missing something but gold is pretty useless, right? If a global depression hits what the hell are we suppose to do with a bunch of gold jewelry? It is a soft metal so you can’t build anything out of it, and it is not the best conductor of heat or electricity. I think economists are playing a practical joke on us. I think they have figured out what really is valuable, and it is something random – like potatoes. Think about it. Potato skin is said to be very nutritious, you can store them at room temperature, and they are very filling. Which makes them good things to have around when everyone is poor and hungry.

These economists are just trying to throw us off of their path. I bet if we went to their houses they would have huge potato farms in their backyards. And no gold. And this isn’t the first time they have done this. Remember when we learned about the salt trade in history class? Salt was the most valuable thing back then, and people were shipping salt across the oceans to seaside ports and trading it for God-knows what. But these civilizations were by the sea. Which is full of saltwater. That just doesn’t make any sense. And nowadays salt isn’t worth anything. We go to fancy health food stores and pay more money to have low-sodium options. That means we are paying more money to have less salt. Economists have been screwing with us for years.

Not convinced? Well, need I remind you about Beanie Babies? People were telling us that they were worth hundreds of dollars. Beanie Babies are tiny stuffed animals that you could buy at gas stations and flea markets. I bet you owned one. There was a whole Beanie Baby market, and people were buying and selling them like stock brokers on Wall Street.

This is why I have decided to create my own economic ranking system. If a global depression hits, I will be prepared because with a little pre-planning I have figured out which items will be the most valuable:

1. Potatoes (which are cheap so everyone can have lots of them at a low cost which is what I call a win-win)
   
2. Vodka (self-explanatory. And can be made from potatoes. I win again.)

I am pretty sure I just solved the economic crisis. You’re welcome.