Who is Justin Bieber?

I was looking through the iTunes charts today and found Justin Bieber.

Who is this guy? His album cover suggests that he's being encroached on by a massive wind storm just off the coast of Miami. But, the truth is I would prefer if he didn't comb his hair straight forward like I know his hair person did on purpose.

Perhaps "Team Justin" was trying to make him look like he was old enough to say this:

Shawty? What do you look like again? Let's review:










No. You can't use that word.

Spencer?

Spencer, where are you? According to US Weekly, you haven't done or said anything news-worthy since December 11th. You get an F minus for not reminding us of your non-celebrity status during the month of December. I almost forgot about you.

Spencer Pratt: 2
Diddy: 1

Overheard in a Parking Deck

December, 19 2009:

Girl:
Burrr Honey!!! Why is it so cold today?

Honey:
It's winter.

I Googled You

Okay. I was afraid of this. You ARE relevant in Google Search.

Spencer Pratt: 2
Diddy: 0

Spencer Pratt is Following Me on Twitter

I'm stumped. I've been thinking of how I can comment on this and I've got nothing. Spencer Pratt does nothing but walk around with a flesh beard for 30 minutes a week on MTV. But, somehow he's got me showing off to the WORLD that he's following me on twitter. What an evil genius.

Spencer: 1
Diddy: 0

Bleh

However boring the following post may be for you to read, at least you know that I've been trying all day to post something about...


1. My outfit. Nope. It's a smart combination of JCrew and "Rustica" that accentuates my rimless glasses and takes away from my air-dried hair.


2. My cube-mate. Nope. It's ridiculous how much I know about him through his end of the phone conversations with his wife. She's a home-maker, calls twice a day, runs out of gas while driving, wants to give wine with customized labels as Christmas presents and forgot to pay the power bill on 12/16/09.


3. The guy down the way with the accent. Nope. It's better than the guy on my right that will hold entire conversations in another language for hours at a time while eating smelly mexican food.


4. My lunch. I will never mock a loaded baked potato.


5. I can't even think of a fifth thing .......BLEH.

10 Things That I Have Said On A Date (Literally):

1) Birds are weird. I don’t understand how they reproduce. It is creepy. Really…you don’t think so? Well tell me something, have you ever seen a bird’s junk?

2) I don’t really trust anything you say. You seem like you would lie a lot, even if it was about something that no one cared about.

3) (To an Irish guy who had trouble understanding my accent and thought I was talking about INCEST instead of insects for the entire conversation) I am afraid of insects. Well, it doesn’t bother me if I come across insects in a natural setting, but I get scared if I find insects in my house. Do I often find insects in my house? Yes, I live in an old apartment. You look grossed out. A lot of people have insects in their houses in the South especially in the summertime. What’s wrong, are you scared of insects too? What do you mean scared isn’t the word? Wait, what do you think I am talking about?? No!! Insects as in bugs.

4) (To the same Irish guy earlier in the night) Do they sell Lucky Charms in Ireland? No? Yeah, I thought not. I bet the leprechaun guy is offensive to the Irish. I’m just saying if they sold Lucky Charms in Ireland, I bet they would call it something else and they wouldn’t use that leprechaun guy - they would just have a normal Irish person on the commercials versus a leprechaun. What? No, I am not saying that I think some Irish people are leprechauns. Oh, nevermind.

5) I love Gin…a lot. I am serious. I have really taken a shining to it.

6) Do you think we are going to have sex now because we are not - besides the steak wasn’t even that good.

7) People tell me that when I sing I sound just like Darius Rucker from Hootie and the Blowfish…or Eddie Vedder. They are kind of similar if you think about it. I mean, they don’t look similar but they sound similar. Cher kind of sounds like them too. What do you mean you don’t know what I’m talking about?

8) Here is your phone. You left it on the seat. By the way, did you really text your friend “Thank God she’s hot because her apartment building looks like a crack house?” Yes - well I told you it had character.

9) You are a paramedic? What is the grossest thing you have ever seen? Wait don’t tell me, I’m eating. Oh who am I kidding I will eat this anyway – please continue with your story.

10) No offense but I wanted to drive separately for safety reasons. I don’t know you that well yet and who knows - you might try to kill me. I mean, you seem nice but that’s how murderers lure people into their trap. I heard that on a show once, like 20/20 or Dateline or something…

Brooke Does Not Know Best

Now, I've watched my fair share of "Hogan Knows Best" and "Brooke Knows Best". And, I think I know enough about the Hogans:

1. Hulk/Terri pretends to be over-protective so the reality show will have a story line



2. Brother Nick is oddly talented but no one can remember why....and he ultimately gets arrested for it.



3. And the whole time there is a weird mother/daughter look-a-like contest going on in the background (which I'm pretty sure the whole world wanted to grab Brooke and shake her for).



4. And who couldn't smell divorce all over this?
   

This is all probably more than I care to admit that I know about the Hogans....and it's embarrassing. But, you know what? I also watch "Reba" in hopes to catch the season where Barbara Jean is thin. I've seen one episode - now I WANT TO SEE THE REST!!!! Why won't they play them???!!!

Now that I've revealed the skeletons on my DVR list, let's talk about this:

PLEASE. Everyone knows that under-boobage and rib cages are not things we see on Brooke Hogan. The only thing honest about this album cover is the over-processed wig and the ability to look like a 55 year old coug....just like her mom...(cougs cougs cougs).

I knew Brooke came out with an album. But NO ONE told me that she decided to be a half-naked magical forest creature on her CD cover. That's just not acceptable. Brooke, when it comes to self-promotion, you do not know best. Half-naked magical forest creatures don't sell albums. Especially when your right hand looks more like a unicorn hoof.

Meet Joyce

Good afternoon...just want you to have a nice laugh at the expense of Joyce. This is her album cover. Comments are open for any guesses at what the title track is.

Fireflies from Hell, aka, I Desperately Need Satellite Radio in My Car

I need to smack some sense into the person that keeps requesting that Fireflies song by Owl City. And I am convinced that it is only one person that keeps calling into the radio station over and over again because how many people could actually like that song? In order not to get caught this person must be disguising his voice or using fake accents every time he calls. Or maybe he is bullying defenseless children and the elderly into making requests on his behalf. I am serious, people. This person is clearly insane and not to be trusted.

Listen to me, whoever you are: that song is weird and so are you. It is about bugs. I agree that fireflies are the most magical insects of the forest, but let’s get serious. At one point the singer says that he wants to have “one thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs.” Then he says that he wants the bugs to teach him how to dance. Sure he paints a pretty picture, but the reality is that ten thousand lightning bugs would swarm your ass. It would be like the apocalypse. I would be scared shitless. Only a lunatic would want to dance around hugging a bunch of bugs. Get a girlfriend, weirdo.

As a matter of fact, I Googled other songs by Owl City, and the band seems to have an infatuation with all things gay. Their song titles include the following:

• Fireflies
• Rainbows
• Vanilla Twilights
• Birds
• Wings of birds
• Hot air balloons

Just Put Windex on it

I must be REALLY hungover today. I walked by an old man getting spritzed by windex by another old man in an alley. And, I never abandoned my train of thought about going to Crate and Barrel after work today. That's laser focus.

...now considering getting sloshed before I go to Target with my husband tonight. Laser focus is crucial when taking him to a place with too many things to look at.

A Letter To The Guy That Cut Me Off In Traffic (who also happens to be the same guy that I dated a few months ago who never called, but whatever)

Oh hello,

Remember me? I am the girl that you met this past summer. We went out a few times. We seemed to get along okay but you kind-of dropped off the face of the earth there, didn’t ya? Ha ha ha. See, that’s me being breezy and joking about the fact that you never called me after our last date. You remember that night, don’t you? We went out to a nice dinner and then afterwards you stuck your tongue in my ear. I’ll be the first to admit things got a little awkward after that. Looking back, I may not have handled it that well. I apologize. But seriously, who does that? Anyhoo, I digress. My point in writing to you is not to discuss our last date, but to talk about our first one. Remember back when we were just getting to know each other and it was all fun and laughter and whatnot. Then you drove us to get an after-dinner martini and I told you that you were a terrible driver but I said it in a joking, flirty sort of way. Well, I really meant it. You were driving like a deranged squirrel flying around corners, bouncing off sidewalks and telephone poles. My life flashed before me. I thought I was going to die but you were pretty cute so I let it go…for the time being.

But now I must bring it up again because that was ME that you so rudely cut off in traffic the other day. Yes, that’s right mister. We were near the intersection of East Blvd and Scott Ave and there was random, pointless road construction that required people to merge into one lane. I tried to inch over into the flow of traffic but you came zooming in out of nowhere and cut me off. I yelled at you. I flipped you off. Then I realized it was you, and I think you realized it was me. In my defense I was having a bad day and you almost killed me. Perhaps I overreacted. Nonetheless, I am sorry we had to meet this way. I must admit I have thought of the day when we would run into each other again. Except it would be at a fancy party held in my honor where I look fabulous and am surrounded by male admirers. You would be blown away by my charm, wit, and beauty and beg for my affection. But I would be whisked off to more important dealings and you would be left with nothing but your regret and heartache. I can safely say that did not happen. Instead you will forever have a nasty vision burned into your memory of me yelling out my car window and shaking my fist in fury. Oh yes indeed, I bet you are sorry you never called.

Birds Suck

Birds are attracted to me. I don’t know what that’s all about but I really feel jipped by God on this one. There are certain things that I would definitely want to attract - like money or success….or rich, handsome men. But nooooo, I get dirty, winged creatures.

When I was a kid a baby bird fell out of a tree and landed next to me. I had seen Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella, and considered this to be a sign that I was (as I suspected) a Disney Princess whom animals would flock to, and we would all dance around and burst into song while the creatures of the forest banded together to sew me a new dress. I walked around all afternoon with the baby bird wrapped in leaves like a blanket. The only problem was that it was as dead as a doornail - and featherless. Actually, to be honest with you I thought it was a baby kangaroo. I had no idea it was a bird until my dad freaked out when he found me dancing around the yard singing to it.

He told me birds have diseases and to “put that thing down!” I still thought it was a kangaroo so I didn’t see where he was going with the whole “birds have diseases” thing until he pointed out that it had a beak. So, in the end I buried it in a shoe box and we had a funeral of sorts. Then my dog dug it up in a fit of jealousy and ate it.

Ever since then I have had multiple run-ins with fowl. And I hate them. One time I was in Charleston, SC – where I lived for a year or two, and I got bombarded by a shit storm of sea gulls in the TJ Maxx parking lot of all places. They were out of fu**ing control. I was just an innocent girl looking for some bargain priced clothing, but I guess sea gulls have an issue with that because I got attacked by ten birds and at least half of them shit on me. They say that it is good luck to be pooped on by birds, but I am pretty sure that there is nothing more unlucky then getting publicly attacked (and crapped on) by sea gulls five miles from the beach for no apparent reason.

Then there was the time a bird broke into my apartment and demolished it. I still have no idea how it got in but it was there when I returned home after passing out on my friend’s couch. I had all-access passes to a golf tournament that afternoon and had to catch my ride in one hour. Not that I give a damn about golf, but I had big plans for drinking free liquor and stalking Tiger Woods so imagine my surprise when I come home, get naked in preparation for a quick shower, and then promptly get attacked by a crazyass crow. When I say attacked, I am not exaggerating. It pecked me in the head and trapped me in my own kitchen for fifteen minutes. Finally I had to army crawl naked across my apartment to get dressed and get the hell out of there. I freaked out and called my friend, whose response was, “It’s just a fu**king bird. Tighten up.” By the time I returned home it had pooped on lampshades, curtains, couches, the dining room table - you name it.

Not to mention the time I went to Las Vegas for my friend’s 30th b-day and I was hung-over and sunning by the pool. If you have ever been to Vegas, then you know that the pools are crowded as hell. It is a miracle to get a chair in the first place. So we were all packed like sardines, surrounded by fake boobs and tattoos. My friends went inside to gamble, but I physically could not move, so I ordered a Caesar salad and a margarita from the pool girl – feeling very high on myself because I was being waited on poolside. I was too hung-over to walk to the trash can so I put the leftovers under my chair and passed out only to be awakened an hour or so later by my friend going, “Pssst, Hey! Wake Up!” So I look over and she is standing fifteen feet away from me and she is acting really weird. I hear people laughing all around me, and I look around to see that everyone has moved their chairs as far from me as possible. I give my friend a look to say, “WTF?” And thats when she tells me I am covered in pigeons. And she wasn’t bullshitting, either. I was COVERED in them. They were on my chair, under my chair, on my back - all over the place. Apparently they like Caesar salad and watery margaritas. It was humiliating.

So finally, what prompted me to write this post was the suicide-bomber bird that hit my window at work the other day. I work on the third floor so there isn’t normally a lot of action outside my window. But low and behold, a bird decides to off-itself in my window which scared the shit out of me and made me scream, “What the hell?” at the top of my lungs during a conference call with my CEO. And as a daily reminder, my window has bird goo and feathers stuck to it – going on two weeks now.

5 Good Reasons for me to Block You on Facebook

1. Hourly updates about how much of your “to-do” list have been accomplished or what your cute little kitty just did.
2. I refuse to be guilted into becoming a fan of your father’s brother’s cousin’s start-up t-shirt company.
3. Do you really think I will enjoy seeing a picture of myself doing questionable things?? Instead of feverishly un-tagging myself from your albums, I’d rather just block you.
4. The comment box is for short comments. Not entire conversations between you and your sister during which you make plans for dinner next Tuesday. If you aren’t careful, I will follow the driving directions you provided for the world to see and give you a good reason to never do it again.
5. "So-and-so just bitch slapped you" or "so-and-so just gave you a cucumber for your vegetable garden"....WHAT? Isn't poking enough? I don't want to participate.
6. Your turn! Tell me what bugs you about Facebook.

Yahoo! Answers

I am what some people call neurotic (and impatient). So I am a big fan of the fast but marginally reliable internet information portals such as Wikipedia, Ask.com, Yahoo! Answers, and WebMD. These can come in handy if you have a burning question that simply MUST be answered immediately, such as: What are the lyrics to The Heart of Rock & Roll by Huey Lewis And The News? Incidentally, they are that the heart of rock & roll is still beating – not that the heart of rock & roll is in Cleveland (which cost me a round of shots but it is a common mistake, I am sure). Or like the time I diagnosed myself with Schizophrenia at 3 am only to find out that I was just dehydrated – and drunk. But that is neither here nor there. The point is that there is a wealth of information at our fingertips, which is surely not a bad thing. Or so I thought until I stumbled upon this little gem (and please read the comments, they are priceless):

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090922014626AAqNCZa

American Idol

Do people still watch this show? I will admit that I was a fan in the early years – when the concept was new and fresh, but don’t we kind of know the drill by now? Sure the singers change every season, but nothing else does. Well, correction: This past season I think they added a judge, or cloned Paula Abdul – I remember hearing something along those lines. Despite the additional headcount at the front of the stage, everything is still so predictable. You can bet your bottom dollar there will be some crazy people at the auditions. But it is getting awkward and forced. Ever since William Hung sang She Bangs and somehow wrestled up a record deal, every Tom, Dick and Harry is trying to get their five seconds of fame. And the show is trying too hard to make this funny. Check out the following guy and his bunny friend:

http://idolsongsvideos.com/chris-kirkham-bunny-american-idol-audition/

Why did they spend so much airtime on this? The fat guy is dressed up as a bunny and the other guy is carrying around a picture of Simon Cowell – who cares? It is a 2 minute video and I couldn’t even watch the whole thing. Because I no longer tune into the show, I just Googled “Crazy American Idol Contestants” and this was one of 5 trillion hits that came up. I didn’t have the stomach to sit through all of them to find the best example - which proves my point: It has been way overdone.

The City

As if The Hills wasn’t enough to satisfy the tweeny-bopper in all of us, we need to have a transcontinental knockoff?!?! I tried watching the show and got annoyed because Whitney Port annoys me – and it is her show. So, shame on me for not seeing that one coming….

But apart from being annoyed, I was also confused and frustrated because in the episode that I happened to catch, I spent a good 10 minutes trying to figure out what the hell was on Whitney’s head:



On one hand I think it is cute, but on the other hand it looks like she might have suffered a massive head wound. But I think it is a step up from this:


That is a headdress made of fake flowers, people. And if I am not mistaken, there is a feather or two hanging off of the left side. I know what you are thinking, and no, it isn't a costume party - or a Renaissance Festival. I am pretty sure that The City is a show about Whitney Port's experiences in the cut-throat New York fashion world. So I ask you - after seeing this, how can I take that show seriously?

Top 10 Ways You Know You Are In Uptown Charlotte

1. If you are female, female bartenders won’t serve you. Male bartenders wont either unless you (a) have slept with them, or (b) are exposing massive amounts of cleavage

2. You are thirsty. Mostly because of reason #1 above, but also because men won’t buy you drinks unless you (a) are willing to sleep with them, or (b) are exposing massive amounts of cleavage

3. VIP means that someone put a rope around three random chairs next to the dance floor

4. Red Bull Vodka flows like water

5. Everyone is blonde (well, men just have highlights)

6. Everyone is 21 (well, they act/dress like it)

7. It's New Years Eve in North Carolina. It is cold outside. But for some reason everyone around you is dressed like they are in South Beach, Miami

8. Straight men have rhinestones on their t-shirts

9. Lady Gaga is on permanent rotation

10. Depending on where you are, you might find that your bar also conveniently includes a bowling alley… or a movie theater – in case you get bored

Overheard on the Elevator at Work

From someone on a cell phone:
"I can't talk right now. I'm on an elevator with a bunch of weirdos."

Overheard at The Office

"I look at life like one giant conference call - You are a part of it, but you don't know the reason behind it, and nothing seems to get solved."

Overheard at My House

"I'm glad you got rid of that jail cell bed with the blood and chocolate cake on it"

What In The Hell Are You Talking About, Rich Cronin?

I am not a doctor (I just play one on this blog) but I am confident that Rich Cronin, the lead singer of LFO, has a mad case of Tourette Syndrome.

The song Summertime Girls is suppose to be a story about some girl that he met somewhere one summer. I don't know any more details than that because it is a difficult tale to follow in light of the fact that Rich keeps interrupting himself - spitting out random words and observations for no apparent reason. My favorite being:

Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
My mind takes me back there oh so quick
Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Lipit
Think about that summer and I bug, cause I miss it
Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees

A BUNCH OF TREES!!! What in the hell? Well, at least it rhymes....


Enjoy:
New Kids On The Block, had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch
I'd take her if I had one wish
But she's been gone since that summer..Since that summer

Hip Hop, marmalade, spic and span
Met you one summer and it all began
You’re the best girl that I ever did see
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33

When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets
Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby
Somthing in your eyes went and drove me crazy
Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad
Left one day and never came back

Stayed all summer then went back home
Macauly Culkin wasn't Home Alone
Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speaking
Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

Cheery Pez, cold crush, rock star boogie
Used to hate school so I had to play hookie
Always been hip to the B-boy Style
Known to act wild and make girls smile
Love New Edition and the Candy Girl
Remind me of you because you rock my world

You come from Georgia where the peaches grow
They drink lemonade and speak real slow
You love hip hop and rock n roll
Dad took off when you were 4 years old

There was a good man named Paul Revere
I feel much better baby when you're near
You love fun dip and cherry Coke
I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

In the summertime girls got it goin on
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike

Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
My mind takes me back there oh so quick
Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Lipit
Think about that summer and I bug, cause I miss it
Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees

Call you up but what’s the use
I like Kevin Bacon, but I hate Footloose
Came in the door said it before
I think I'm over youbut I'm really not sure
In the summer girls come and summer girls go
Some are worth while and some are so so
Summer girls come and summer girls go
Some are worth while and some are so so
Summertime girls got it going on
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike

Fergalicious

I’m going to come right out and say it. Fergie has absurd lyrics. Glamorous is Fergie’s attempt to convince her fans that she has remained unchanged by fame and fortune. Is this just a retread of Jennifer Lopez’s Jenny From The Block circa 2001? Well, Fergie – J-Lo didn’t fool anyone then, and you aren’t fooling anyone now. Allow me to summarize this musical masterpiece for you:

• Fergie starts the song telling us that we need to take our broke asses home - an odd way to start a song about how you have remained unchanged by the music biz, wouldn’t you agree?
• She spells some words, then spells them again later on.
• She throws out some examples of her humble and down-to-earth lifestyle: first-class flights, popping champagne, limos, the Grammys, things that cost a lot of money, and gold and diamond rings.....
• She says the word “flossy” a lot. And according to Urban Dictionary, “flossy” refers to someone that is extremely flashy or showy. ..or what the pot calls the kettle:
  

• Fergie’s use of the word glamorous: 37
• And, finally the icing on the cake – the final verse:
  If you aint got no money take your broke ass home
  My daddy told me so
  If you aint got no money take your broke ass home
  He let his daughter know
  If you aint got no money take your broke ass home
  My daddy told me so
  If you aint got no money take your broke ass home
  He let his daughter know
  Is anyone else wondering what the hell is up with Fergie’s dad? He sounds like a jerk. How old was she when he gave her this advice? Perhaps he should have given more parent-appropriate advice such as, “Don’t pee on yourself in public” or “Stay away from crystal meth”…..I’m just saying
  

If you want to see the lyrics for yourself, here they are:

Are you ready?
If you aint got no money, take your broke ass home
If you aint got no money take your broke ass home

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yes
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

We flyin’ first class, up in the sky
Poppin’ champagne, livin’ my life
In the fast lane, I won’t change
By the glamorous, ooh the flossy flossy

The glamorous, the glamorous, glamorous
The glamorous, ooh the flossy flossy
The glamorous, the glamorous, glamorousThe glamorous, ooh the flossy flossy

Wear them gold and diamond rings
All them things don’t mean a thing
Chaperons and limousines
Shoppin’ for expensive things

I be on the movie screens
Magazines and boogie scenes
I’m not clean, I’m not pristine
I’m no queen, I’m no machine

I still go to Taco Bell
Drive through, raw as hell
I don’t care, I’m still real
No matter how many records I sell

After the show or after the Grammys
I like to go cool out with the family
Sippin’, reminiscing on days
When I had a mustang, and now I’m in

First class, up in the sky
Poppin’ champagne, livin’ my life
In the fast lane, I wont change
By the glamorous, ooh the flossy flossy

The glamorous, the glamorous, glamorous
(Glamorous life)
The glamorous, ooh the flossy flossy
The glamorous, the glamorous, glamorous
(Glamorous life)
The glamorous, ooh the flossy flossy

(Ludacris)
I’m talkin’ champagne wishes, caviar dreams
You deserve nothin’ but all the finer things
Now this whole world has no clue what to do with us
I got enough money in the bank for the two of us

Plus I gotta keep enough lettuce to support your shoe fetish
Lifestyles so rich and famous, Robin Leach’ll get jealous
Half a million for the stones, takin’ trips from here to Rome
So if you aint got no money take your broke ass home

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yes
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

We flyin’ first class, up in the sky
Poppin’ champagne, livin’ my life
In the fast lane, I won’t change
By the glamorous, ooh the flossy flossy

The glamorous, the glamorous, glamorous
(Glamorous life)
The glamorous, ooh the flossy flossy
The glamorous, the glamorous, glamorous
(Glamorous life)
The glamorous, ooh the flossy flossy

I got problems up to here, I got people in my ear
Tellin’ me these crazy things that I don’t wanna know
I got money in the bank, and I’d really like to thank
All the fans I’d like to thank, thank you really though

Cuz I remember yesterday, when I dreamt about the days
When I’d rock on MTV, that’d be really dope
Damn, it’s been a long road and the industry is cold
I’m glad my daddy told me so, he let his daughter know

If you aint got no money take your broke ass home
My daddy told me so
If you aint got no money take your broke ass home
He let his daughter know
If you aint got no money take your broke ass home
My daddy told me so
If you aint got no money take your broke ass home
He let his daughter know

T-Pain's Dating Advice - Volumes 1 and 2

T-Pain, we are a little concerned about you. It is true that you have a lot going for you right now: money, fame, success, a nice new necklace. We don’t blame you for wanting to enjoy this time in your life and share it with someone special. However, your choice in women is somewhat questionable. We don’t want to come down too hard on you, but as your fans we feel that we need to express our opinion about your recent behavior. You have shared some feelings with us, and we would like to take this opportunity to examine those feelings. Hopefully we can clarify your issues and stop all of this nonsense.

T-PAIN: VOLUME 1 (THE STRIPPER)

G**damn Lil Mama You know you thick as hell
You know what I’m sayin? After the club
You know what I’m talkin’ bout?
Me and my ni***s gonna be together
You know what I’m sayin?
I aint worryin' about them really though
I’m just looking at you, yeah s**t you know
You got them big a** hips, g**damn!

Are you drunk?
T-Pain please pull it together. You have hardly said three sentences and have still managed to ask us multiple times if we “knew what you were saying” or “knew what you were talking about.” And frankly, the answer is no. We don’t.

Got the body of a goddess
Got eyes butter pecan brown
I see you girl, droppin' low
She coming down from the ceiling, to da tha floor
Yeah, she know what she doin’ (yea yea yea)
She doing that right thang (yea yea yea)
I need to get her over to my crib and do that night thing
Cause I'm in love with a stripper

Easy, Tiger. She has a nice figure, we get it. But in love with her? Already? Have you even spoken to her? We don’t mean to judge, but she is a stripper. Did she also tell you she was working to pay her way through college? Yep, thought so.

She poppin she rollin, she rollin
She climbin that pole and
I’m in love with a stripper

We are pretty sure that the popping and rolling refers to her dance moves, but perhaps you are trying to tell us something deeper…Popping pills? Rolling on Ex? If so, these are red flags, T-Pain. Mind-altering drugs can’t be good for her career. As an entertainer she should be focused.

She trippin she playin, she playin
I’m not goin nowhere girl, I’m stayin
I’m in love with a stripper

Oops – she tripped? That is exactly our point - it is hard enough to dance in those clear plastic heels sober, much less when you are on smack.

Out of all the girls she be the hottest
Liking the way she break it down
I see you girl! (spinning wide)
And she looking at me (in my eyes)
She got my attention (yea yea yea)
Did I forget to mention? (yea yea yea)
I need to get her over to my crib and do that night thang
Cause I'm in love with a stripper

You are reading too much into this. Do you fall in love with everyone that looks in your eyes? We feel this is not a foundation for love.

She can pop it, she can lock it
Teddy PenderAss is about to see this sexy girl (in my bed)
She don't know what she is doing (to my head)

So, we asked around and found out that you have nicknamed yourself Teddy PenderAss after the R&B singer, Teddy Pendergrass. We are assuming this is meant as a play on words suggesting you have a lot of sex. You probably do, but we just wanted to point out that Teddy was in a car accident in the 80’s and is now paralyzed from the waste down. Do you see where we are going with this? We think you should come up with a new alter ego – one that makes sense.

She turning trick's on me (yea yea yea)
She don't even know me (yea yea yea)
I done got her over to my crib to do that night thang
Cause I’m in love with a stripper

It appears your new girlfriend is turning tricks on you. That means that she is a hooker, T-Pain. She doesn’t love you in return. The truth hurts, but it is for your own good.

Now, get out there and meet someone new…


T-PAIN: VOLUME 2 (THE BARTENDER)

Broke up with my girl last night so I went to the club (so I went to the club)
Put on a fresh white suit and a MiniCoop sitting on dubs (sitting on dubs)

Whew, thank God you took our advice and broke up with the stripper. And you bought a new car! Good for you! Wait a second, you bought a Mini Cooper? Are you moonlighting as a white sorority girl or a British person? This car does not fit your image. Don’t panic – we will get you a new car tomorrow.

I'm just looking for somebody to talk to
And show me some love (show me some love)
If you know what I mean...
Everybody's jockin' me as soon as I stepped in the spot (I stepped in the spot)
200 b**ches and man ain't none of them hot (ain't none of them hot)
Except for this pretty young thing that was workin' all the way at the top (all the way at the top)
Shorty what is your name?

200 ugly women? What club is this? Sounds sketchy. I think you should go somewhere else. But leave the car here – we will take a cab…..Oh wait, you saw a pretty one? Who is it?

She made us drinks, to drink
We drunk 'em, got drunk
And then I think she thinks I'm cool
She gave me a wink, I winked back
And then I think that, we hit it off something proper like...

Of course you are cool! We tell you that all of the time. That stripper really messed with your confidence. This new girl made you drinks? Does she work here?

I like the bartender

FOR GOD SAKES, T-PAIN!!! Again??? Did you not learn anything from the stripper incident? Did it ever occur to you that these women work for tips? Of course she winked back at you!

(oh if you're looking for me)
I'm at the bar with her (uh-huh, OK)
I like the bartender (yeah if you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her (oh uh-huh, OK)

All right fine, you are the boss. We will come find you at the bar if we need you. But Listen, exactly how many drinks did she make you? We didn’t want to say anything but you seem kind-of hammered. You keep repeating yourself.

Got a brand new girl so I'm feeling all good inside (all good inside)
Feel like I put some brand new 24's on a brand new ride (on a brand new ride)

No need to brag, jackass. She makes you happy. Fine. Good. Whatever. We are just glad you took our advice on the Mini Cooper and decided to get a new ride.

Triple shot of patron on the rocks with little bit a lime (with a little bit a lime)
I'm just keeping it real (Uh-huh)

You had 3 shots of Patron! You were already drunk from those drinks she made you earlier. You said so yourself. We told you to ease up, remember?

Baby still working at the club so I'm getting in free (so I'm getting in free)
Wednesday night I'm on the list T-Pain plus 3 (T-Pain plus 3)
Every time I hit the spot baby girl taking care of me (taking care of me)
How do you think I feel?

Listen, are we included in the “plus three”? You have to admit we have given you some really solid advice lately. Not that you owe us anything…just think about it. Oh, and to answer your last question, we think you feel “all good inside” – you just told us that. You can’t even remember what you said two seconds ago. Seriously, the Patron was a bad idea.

Oh she made us drinks, to drink
We drunk 'em, got drunk
And then I think she thinks I'm cool
She gave me a wink, I winked back
And then I think that, we gonna have fun at my spot tonight

This woman is really over-serving you. Should we alert the management?

I like the bartender

Ok, fine. You like her. We won’t say anything....

Nick Lachey is not cute enough for this song

Dear Nick,

You are lucky that you are extremely good looking. Because what’s happening below in “What’s Left of Me” is NOT how we put our best foot forward. Is this really the way you want to advertise to the world that you are back on the market?

What's Left Of Me lyrics

Watch my life, Pass me by
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

I realize you are hard-pressed to find someone with all the charm and good looks of Jess. But you simply MUST cheer up. No one likes the passive-depressive MESS that you’ve described to be your current situation. Don’t worry. At least no one else you’ll date has a creepy, blonde, preacher-dad who sometimes looks like a Rascal Flatt. See below.















Are we sure he isn’t moonlighting?

Yeah...[Chorus]Cause I want you
And I feel you
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger
Like a burning
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken
And I'm faded
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have what's left of me

SO….the picture you are painting here is that you are an overly eager shell of a man. If you are only HALF the man that you want to be, would you advertise that? Maybe go through a re-building period or something so you can be whole again. Some women like to “fix” men. But you are NICK LACHEY and no one wants to introduce “Lachey Leftovers” to their friends.

I've been dying inside
Little by little
No where to go
But going out of my mind
In endless circles
Running from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still

Nick, let’s be honest. This isn’t looking good. Now I’m looking at dating half of a slightly “batty” person. Does that mean you are half-batty? Hopefully. And I wouldn’t tell people that you often run from yourself. First of all you can’t actually do that. And, if you don’t stick around, who else will?

[Chorus]It's falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me something
To believe in
Tell me
It's not all in my head

See, now you’ve got me worried that you might end your life. A woman who is trying to decide whether or not to date you doesn’t need this kind of responsibility. Keep it light, Nick. KEEP IT LIGHT.

Take what's left
Of this man
Make me whole
Once again

This is a major favor to ask of someone that you’ve never met. Maybe you should talk more about your interests? Make fun of Joe Simpson?

[Chorus]I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just running in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Just running in circles in my mind
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?

I would try eHarmony. I don’t think the whole world is ready to put you back together yet.



UPDATE: This is painful:

A Book / Movie Suggestion for Vanessa Williams: He’s Just Not That Into You

Heavens knows that I have had my fair share of wishful thinking when it comes to relationships. We have all made ridiculous excuses such as,

“I’m sure he is going home with that girl only to make me jealous. It is because he loves me.”

“He isn’t ignoring me; he is just giving me space. It is because he is considerate.”

And of course my personal favorite,
“He broke up with me because he was scared of how much he loved me.”

But with experience comes wisdom, and most women reach a certain age when they figure out men are mostly jerks. Plain and simple. That is unless you are Vanessa Williams. In Vanessa’s song, Save the Best for Last, she seems to have fallen for a jackass. And that’s understandable. We have all been there, right ladies? But seriously, there are red flags all over this guy. Since Vanessa’s friends won’t tell her the nasty truth about her relationship (or lack thereof) – I guess I am going to have to do it.

Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes round the moon

Whoa. I know we are here to discuss your relationship, but while we are at it lets quickly examine your education. Where did you go to school? The sun never goes around the moon. This is basic science. I can safely say this has NEVER happened. And it sometimes snows in June, but this depends largely on where you live. Like Antarctica, for example.

I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it’s all a big surprise

You seem surprised that he is passionate about you - Red flag #1

Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You’d tell me this was love
Its not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow its enough

You have been waiting on this guy to say he loves you for a long time. So he finally says it, and he does a shoddy job of it. And what do you do? You make excuses: “Oh no big deal, I was kind-of expecting flowers or at least a candle-lit dinner, but instead he told me he loved me beside a dumpster in my parking lot…but somehow it was enough.”

Making excuses - Red flag #2

And now we are standing face to face
Isn’t this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last

When you say the world is a crazy place are you referring to the aforementioned unseasonable weather patterns and revolving suns/moons? And aren’t you just a teeny weenie bit pissed that you were the last person he said “I love you” to? Be honest.

Oh, and waiting until you are the last person he has left to consider – Red flag #3

All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you’d make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you

I wonder what’s wrong with YOU.

You hung around while he went out and slept with other girls, then let him come over in the middle of the night to tell you about it once they kicked him out? This is an all-time low for you, Vanessa – well, except for the Miss America de-crowning. That was pretty embarrassing.

Man-whore - Red flag #4 and #5 (That deserves two flags)
Using you for a place to crash after man-whoring – Red flag #6

Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you’re looking for
Is the one thing you can’t see

The girl that he is “giving his love to” is the one he really likes. I’m trying to be patient with you but this is getting pathetic.

“Giving love” to other women – Red flag #7

And now we are standing face to face
Isn’t this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
Sometimes the very thing you’re looking for
Is the one thing you can’t see

Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
You went and saved the best for last

I give this relationship one week, tops.

James Blunt: Creepy Guy On The Subway...

Is it me, or do the lyrics to You’re Beautiful make James Blunt come off as a bit of a lunatic? It doesn’t help matters that in the video he strategically strips items of clothing and accessories from his body and lines them up on the ground in front of him like a guy with a severe case of OCD – then jumps off a bridge.

Basically, the story goes like this: James was on the subway one day, minding his own business when along comes a pretty girl. So, being a typical man, he notices that this girl is attractive – beautiful, actually. Sounds like a pretty normal situation, right?

Wrong. James then becomes somewhat obsessed with the pretty lady and proceeds to have a mental argument with himself that goes something like this:

That girl is beautiful.
But she is with another man.
No worries, I will hatch a plan to make her mine.
Well, now that I think about it I probably will never be with her.
Wait, maybe I will.
No, I won’t.
But then again, we were meant to be together.
Actually, no we weren’t.

Crazy, right? And all of this over a random gal on the subway. Did I mention he was high? That could, in fact, explain a lot of this. But I think the larger point to be made is that James went off on a crazy tailspin over this girl because she smiled at him. So ladies, next time you are in public and see some guy lurking around you, you may (or may not) want to smile at him. In this case, James is an attractive, successful singer/songwriter. But be careful not to beam your pearly whites at the wrong guy because presumably this is what will go through his head:

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fu**ing high,(album version)
Flying high,(radio version)
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

The Watering Hole

Diddy and I are convinced that our collective tabs pay the mortgage at our favorite Charlotte bar. I am not saying that we are the only patrons. It is a popular place - don’t get me wrong. It is just that we are always there. After hours, happy hour, any hour. It calls to us when we are at home doing chores (aka, sleeping on the couch). It calls to us when we cheat on it and try to go to a different bar. It calls to us at 11:00 in the afternoon on a workday so that we have to email and text everyone in a flurry to make sure our happy hour plans are still intact for 6:00 that evening.

Diddy and I value dedication and loyalty. They are important traits in friends, men, and dogs. But perhaps we have developed a problem. Here are a few reasons why:

• We know more about the personal lives of the staff than we do about our own families


• People are constantly saying “I see you here all of the time” which means (a) They are also there all of the time, and (b) We now seem approachable to a bunch of drunks – bar regulars are always drunks.


• We are bar regulars


• We have begun to think of our Watering Hole as our personal living room. We are too comfortable: We talk loudly, make fun of people, put our feet on the furniture, play card games, dance in places not designated for dancing, play the same songs over and over on the juke box, and sing along loudly to these songs while pointing and winking suggestively at strangers.

Although we sometimes wake up embarrassed and ashamed of our public display of affection towards our Watering Hole, we are sure to return next week only to do it all over again.

Tough Love for Chad Kroeger

Dear Chad Kroeger,








Aren’t you the manly lead singer of a rock band? Didn’t you want to “live in hilltop houses, driving fifteen cars”? I’d like to believe that. But, recently nothing about your music paints a picture of someone who is not a whiny, over-dramatic 13 year old girl.

Look, perhaps you’ve been going through a rough patch. Everyone has them. What you need is a friend to yank you out of “needless drama-ville” and save your career. Friend or not, I’m here to facilitate.

Now, follow along with me and let’s trade those whiny pants in for some leather ones.

Photograph
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
how did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey’s head?

I’d love to laugh with you about what the hell is on Joey’s head. But you didn’t show me this photograph and I’ll never get to see it. This is the same as laughing about an inside joke in front of someone that wasn’t there. 13 year old girls do this. You see where I’m going.

This is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneakin’ out

I don’t know what the point of all that was. But, it seems better suited in a bulleted list on a Power Point slide titled: “Four Irrelevant Things About my House”.

This is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must’ve done it half a dozen times

Are you saying that you didn’t attend school during regular hours? You just broke in, instead? What could you possibly have stolen half a dozen times? DO NOT brag about your criminal record unless there is something manly and dangerous on it.

I wonder if it’s too late
Should I go back and try to graduate?
Life’s better now than it was back then
If I was them, I wouldn’t let me in
Oh oh oh
Oh god I, I

Wow. Take it down a notch, huh? The dilemma of returning to school is NOT this dramatic. Plus, you’ve already stolen everything you need to graduate right? Problem solved.

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye

How OLD are you? You certainly don’t “look” like you are still 13 years old - longing for the social life you left behind to become a manly rock star. Perhaps this is just a tad over-dramatic, and…late? And just to nitpick , are you walking out the back door or the front door? Where are you?

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops see us hanging out
They said somebody went and burned it down

Dry your eyes. Sounds like you had a gaming problem and it’s a good thing that you left this town to make thousands more than you ever dreamed you could spend at the arcade.

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we’d find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Uggh.

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She’s had a couple of kids since then
I haven’t seen her since God knows when
Oh oh oh
Oh god I, I

No comment. You should know better.

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on the bedroom floor
It’s hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

I would prefer that you actually specified here what that one thing is that will never change. However it’s probably that Kim girl with all the kids who still won’t go out with you. Move on man. Manly rock stars lose touch with their old friends and only date celebrities.

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I’m picturing you on your bedroom floor looking at all your pictures. I’m not attracted to you and I do not want your poster on my wall. For Pete’s sake, go get a drink with Akon or shoot some pool with T-Pain or something. You could even call this guy again. He looks fun.










Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me...

…Cry? I’d bet all of the proceeds from this album on it. Honestly, I wouldn’t risk having an open-ending like this. Remember Mad Libs? There’s no telling what people are filling in that blank with.

Regards,
Diddy

Cat in the House

I'm moderately concerned about my ability to notice things. My neighbor's cat was in my house for at least 2 hours yesterday before I noticed him.

What was he doing for that long un-noticed? Exterminating mice? Sending emails?

I'll let you know if I find any crucial evidence.

Where did you get that dress?

At Garden Ridge.

I was in there picking out a new spring patio umbrella and I saw it with my own eyes. A markdown table near the register littered with half-priced clothing.

It's my thought that Garden Ridge attempting to sell strapless sundresses is like a gas station selling unicorn figurines from a glass case by the door. It doesn't go, but it's something to stare at while you wait in line.

Are the new duds made out of weather-proof and fade-proof material like my new spring umbrella?

I have questions.

Adult JeanBenet (AJB)

Some Sundays are spent pulling up the week’s collection on DVR. Others are spent re-hashing Saturday night over brunch with the ladies. This particular Sunday was spent watching an adult version of JeanBenet Ramsey thrusting to love songs about beavers.

Tonight, I joined my friend at an event in a warehouse. I should note that I do not skateboard, and rarely hang out in abandoned warehouses - I was there to support her husband’s band.

After borrowing $10 from her so I could pay the bouncer, I settled in with 2 Coors Lights (one for each hand) and prepared to take in the music. Just as I was wrapping up my thrilling story about my trip to the new Ikea, the next act hit the stage....lookin just like an Adult version of JeanBenet Ramsey.

The first song was about getting in and out of trucks (perhaps this is difficult for AJB to do with all the texas-style fringe), mixed with A LOT of thrusting and high-kicking. And, the second song was overshadowed by my shock and awe over the camouflaged war rifle being used as a guitar.

Then, AJB had a short monologue, during which she told us that “music was like giving the crowd a warm hug”. To finish, the band launched into a brief but aggressive love ballad about beavers.

AJB will forever be engrained in my head, as well as her creative use of pink fringe. When I tried to glue pink fringe to a lamp shade in 2005 it just wasn't appropriate. So, cheers my fringe-filled friend, AJB!.