Who is Justin Bieber?

I was looking through the iTunes charts today and found Justin Bieber.

Who is this guy? His album cover suggests that he's being encroached on by a massive wind storm just off the coast of Miami. But, the truth is I would prefer if he didn't comb his hair straight forward like I know his hair person did on purpose.

Perhaps "Team Justin" was trying to make him look like he was old enough to say this:

Shawty? What do you look like again? Let's review:










No. You can't use that word.

Spencer?

Spencer, where are you? According to US Weekly, you haven't done or said anything news-worthy since December 11th. You get an F minus for not reminding us of your non-celebrity status during the month of December. I almost forgot about you.

Spencer Pratt: 2
Diddy: 1

Overheard in a Parking Deck

December, 19 2009:

Girl:
Burrr Honey!!! Why is it so cold today?

Honey:
It's winter.

I Googled You

Okay. I was afraid of this. You ARE relevant in Google Search.

Spencer Pratt: 2
Diddy: 0

Spencer Pratt is Following Me on Twitter

I'm stumped. I've been thinking of how I can comment on this and I've got nothing. Spencer Pratt does nothing but walk around with a flesh beard for 30 minutes a week on MTV. But, somehow he's got me showing off to the WORLD that he's following me on twitter. What an evil genius.

Spencer: 1
Diddy: 0

Bleh

However boring the following post may be for you to read, at least you know that I've been trying all day to post something about...


1. My outfit. Nope. It's a smart combination of JCrew and "Rustica" that accentuates my rimless glasses and takes away from my air-dried hair.


2. My cube-mate. Nope. It's ridiculous how much I know about him through his end of the phone conversations with his wife. She's a home-maker, calls twice a day, runs out of gas while driving, wants to give wine with customized labels as Christmas presents and forgot to pay the power bill on 12/16/09.


3. The guy down the way with the accent. Nope. It's better than the guy on my right that will hold entire conversations in another language for hours at a time while eating smelly mexican food.


4. My lunch. I will never mock a loaded baked potato.


5. I can't even think of a fifth thing .......BLEH.

10 Things That I Have Said On A Date (Literally):

1) Birds are weird. I don’t understand how they reproduce. It is creepy. Really…you don’t think so? Well tell me something, have you ever seen a bird’s junk?

2) I don’t really trust anything you say. You seem like you would lie a lot, even if it was about something that no one cared about.

3) (To an Irish guy who had trouble understanding my accent and thought I was talking about INCEST instead of insects for the entire conversation) I am afraid of insects. Well, it doesn’t bother me if I come across insects in a natural setting, but I get scared if I find insects in my house. Do I often find insects in my house? Yes, I live in an old apartment. You look grossed out. A lot of people have insects in their houses in the South especially in the summertime. What’s wrong, are you scared of insects too? What do you mean scared isn’t the word? Wait, what do you think I am talking about?? No!! Insects as in bugs.

4) (To the same Irish guy earlier in the night) Do they sell Lucky Charms in Ireland? No? Yeah, I thought not. I bet the leprechaun guy is offensive to the Irish. I’m just saying if they sold Lucky Charms in Ireland, I bet they would call it something else and they wouldn’t use that leprechaun guy - they would just have a normal Irish person on the commercials versus a leprechaun. What? No, I am not saying that I think some Irish people are leprechauns. Oh, nevermind.

5) I love Gin…a lot. I am serious. I have really taken a shining to it.

6) Do you think we are going to have sex now because we are not - besides the steak wasn’t even that good.

7) People tell me that when I sing I sound just like Darius Rucker from Hootie and the Blowfish…or Eddie Vedder. They are kind of similar if you think about it. I mean, they don’t look similar but they sound similar. Cher kind of sounds like them too. What do you mean you don’t know what I’m talking about?

8) Here is your phone. You left it on the seat. By the way, did you really text your friend “Thank God she’s hot because her apartment building looks like a crack house?” Yes - well I told you it had character.

9) You are a paramedic? What is the grossest thing you have ever seen? Wait don’t tell me, I’m eating. Oh who am I kidding I will eat this anyway – please continue with your story.

10) No offense but I wanted to drive separately for safety reasons. I don’t know you that well yet and who knows - you might try to kill me. I mean, you seem nice but that’s how murderers lure people into their trap. I heard that on a show once, like 20/20 or Dateline or something…

Brooke Does Not Know Best

Now, I've watched my fair share of "Hogan Knows Best" and "Brooke Knows Best". And, I think I know enough about the Hogans:

1. Hulk/Terri pretends to be over-protective so the reality show will have a story line



2. Brother Nick is oddly talented but no one can remember why....and he ultimately gets arrested for it.



3. And the whole time there is a weird mother/daughter look-a-like contest going on in the background (which I'm pretty sure the whole world wanted to grab Brooke and shake her for).



4. And who couldn't smell divorce all over this?
   

This is all probably more than I care to admit that I know about the Hogans....and it's embarrassing. But, you know what? I also watch "Reba" in hopes to catch the season where Barbara Jean is thin. I've seen one episode - now I WANT TO SEE THE REST!!!! Why won't they play them???!!!

Now that I've revealed the skeletons on my DVR list, let's talk about this:

PLEASE. Everyone knows that under-boobage and rib cages are not things we see on Brooke Hogan. The only thing honest about this album cover is the over-processed wig and the ability to look like a 55 year old coug....just like her mom...(cougs cougs cougs).

I knew Brooke came out with an album. But NO ONE told me that she decided to be a half-naked magical forest creature on her CD cover. That's just not acceptable. Brooke, when it comes to self-promotion, you do not know best. Half-naked magical forest creatures don't sell albums. Especially when your right hand looks more like a unicorn hoof.

Meet Joyce

Good afternoon...just want you to have a nice laugh at the expense of Joyce. This is her album cover. Comments are open for any guesses at what the title track is.

Fireflies from Hell, aka, I Desperately Need Satellite Radio in My Car

I need to smack some sense into the person that keeps requesting that Fireflies song by Owl City. And I am convinced that it is only one person that keeps calling into the radio station over and over again because how many people could actually like that song? In order not to get caught this person must be disguising his voice or using fake accents every time he calls. Or maybe he is bullying defenseless children and the elderly into making requests on his behalf. I am serious, people. This person is clearly insane and not to be trusted.

Listen to me, whoever you are: that song is weird and so are you. It is about bugs. I agree that fireflies are the most magical insects of the forest, but let’s get serious. At one point the singer says that he wants to have “one thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs.” Then he says that he wants the bugs to teach him how to dance. Sure he paints a pretty picture, but the reality is that ten thousand lightning bugs would swarm your ass. It would be like the apocalypse. I would be scared shitless. Only a lunatic would want to dance around hugging a bunch of bugs. Get a girlfriend, weirdo.

As a matter of fact, I Googled other songs by Owl City, and the band seems to have an infatuation with all things gay. Their song titles include the following:

• Fireflies
• Rainbows
• Vanilla Twilights
• Birds
• Wings of birds
• Hot air balloons

Just Put Windex on it

I must be REALLY hungover today. I walked by an old man getting spritzed by windex by another old man in an alley. And, I never abandoned my train of thought about going to Crate and Barrel after work today. That's laser focus.

...now considering getting sloshed before I go to Target with my husband tonight. Laser focus is crucial when taking him to a place with too many things to look at.

A Letter To The Guy That Cut Me Off In Traffic (who also happens to be the same guy that I dated a few months ago who never called, but whatever)

Oh hello,

Remember me? I am the girl that you met this past summer. We went out a few times. We seemed to get along okay but you kind-of dropped off the face of the earth there, didn’t ya? Ha ha ha. See, that’s me being breezy and joking about the fact that you never called me after our last date. You remember that night, don’t you? We went out to a nice dinner and then afterwards you stuck your tongue in my ear. I’ll be the first to admit things got a little awkward after that. Looking back, I may not have handled it that well. I apologize. But seriously, who does that? Anyhoo, I digress. My point in writing to you is not to discuss our last date, but to talk about our first one. Remember back when we were just getting to know each other and it was all fun and laughter and whatnot. Then you drove us to get an after-dinner martini and I told you that you were a terrible driver but I said it in a joking, flirty sort of way. Well, I really meant it. You were driving like a deranged squirrel flying around corners, bouncing off sidewalks and telephone poles. My life flashed before me. I thought I was going to die but you were pretty cute so I let it go…for the time being.

But now I must bring it up again because that was ME that you so rudely cut off in traffic the other day. Yes, that’s right mister. We were near the intersection of East Blvd and Scott Ave and there was random, pointless road construction that required people to merge into one lane. I tried to inch over into the flow of traffic but you came zooming in out of nowhere and cut me off. I yelled at you. I flipped you off. Then I realized it was you, and I think you realized it was me. In my defense I was having a bad day and you almost killed me. Perhaps I overreacted. Nonetheless, I am sorry we had to meet this way. I must admit I have thought of the day when we would run into each other again. Except it would be at a fancy party held in my honor where I look fabulous and am surrounded by male admirers. You would be blown away by my charm, wit, and beauty and beg for my affection. But I would be whisked off to more important dealings and you would be left with nothing but your regret and heartache. I can safely say that did not happen. Instead you will forever have a nasty vision burned into your memory of me yelling out my car window and shaking my fist in fury. Oh yes indeed, I bet you are sorry you never called.