10 Things That I Have Said On A Date (Literally):

1) Birds are weird. I don’t understand how they reproduce. It is creepy. Really…you don’t think so? Well tell me something, have you ever seen a bird’s junk?

2) I don’t really trust anything you say. You seem like you would lie a lot, even if it was about something that no one cared about.

3) (To an Irish guy who had trouble understanding my accent and thought I was talking about INCEST instead of insects for the entire conversation) I am afraid of insects. Well, it doesn’t bother me if I come across insects in a natural setting, but I get scared if I find insects in my house. Do I often find insects in my house? Yes, I live in an old apartment. You look grossed out. A lot of people have insects in their houses in the South especially in the summertime. What’s wrong, are you scared of insects too? What do you mean scared isn’t the word? Wait, what do you think I am talking about?? No!! Insects as in bugs.

4) (To the same Irish guy earlier in the night) Do they sell Lucky Charms in Ireland? No? Yeah, I thought not. I bet the leprechaun guy is offensive to the Irish. I’m just saying if they sold Lucky Charms in Ireland, I bet they would call it something else and they wouldn’t use that leprechaun guy - they would just have a normal Irish person on the commercials versus a leprechaun. What? No, I am not saying that I think some Irish people are leprechauns. Oh, nevermind.

5) I love Gin…a lot. I am serious. I have really taken a shining to it.

6) Do you think we are going to have sex now because we are not - besides the steak wasn’t even that good.

7) People tell me that when I sing I sound just like Darius Rucker from Hootie and the Blowfish…or Eddie Vedder. They are kind of similar if you think about it. I mean, they don’t look similar but they sound similar. Cher kind of sounds like them too. What do you mean you don’t know what I’m talking about?

8) Here is your phone. You left it on the seat. By the way, did you really text your friend “Thank God she’s hot because her apartment building looks like a crack house?” Yes - well I told you it had character.

9) You are a paramedic? What is the grossest thing you have ever seen? Wait don’t tell me, I’m eating. Oh who am I kidding I will eat this anyway – please continue with your story.

10) No offense but I wanted to drive separately for safety reasons. I don’t know you that well yet and who knows - you might try to kill me. I mean, you seem nice but that’s how murderers lure people into their trap. I heard that on a show once, like 20/20 or Dateline or something…